An Arranged Marriage

How my match met me

P R

Sure and satisfied is what I feel today about my upcoming marriage. Though it evolved with an investment of dedication, effort and time, it has surely been worth a wait. Comfort, compatibility and chemistry, the three C’s await to give my marriage a solid start. Positive feelings motivate me to contribute and invest my energy in this institution.

While it looks like a picture perfect story, the journey behind this has been quite adventurous and exhausting. In India, once their daughter reaches the certain age, pursuit of a groom becomes the biggest mission for the parents. Societal pressure further adds fire to the situation, as marriage remains the most important thing for a girl. My situation was made trickier by the huge pressure to marry within same community. Despite the education and exposure of both my parents and myself, I was compelled to follow such conservative norms.

Unconvinced of its merits, the idea of arranged marriage perturbed and suffocated me. It will all make sense when you meet the right one. Though my parents and people around me were optimistic, I did not share their enthusiasm. How can a few minutes be enough to know a person? Of course, to not like somebody, the first look was enough. But, did it also work the other way around, I often wondered.

However, being unable to escape the parental pressure, my ordeal for a partner selection had started. A passive resistance and denial became my tools to deal with this situation. Soon I realized that besides the gut feeling, trial and error was the way to go.

It became a monthly ritual to meet at least a few families, which were short listed from numerous profiles of prospective candidates. Interestingly enough, most resumes I scanned were fashionably portrayed profiles from guys belonging to well off families having highly placed relatives. These highlighted the guys good looks, education and professional achievements. This confused me further.

On the other hand, meeting someone from outside my caste would not work out either. It felt like I was cutting down all the bright options, which I could have pursued if absence of caste pressure. I did meet few interesting guys but the feeling was never too strong to take it to another level. No matter what, one thing was clear that marriage is to be taken seriously and one should understand the importance of commitment.

However hard I tried, my inbuilt values and respect for my parents would handicap my judgment. I could not break the shackles and revolt. I believed in my culture, traditions and the bonds that make us what we are. Even though I did not understand it all, I still trusted it. Explaining this to my peers and myself was often a frustrating exercise.

Torn between the two sides of the coin, I began questioning everything. Unable to rationalize the match making process, my thoughts and worries only increased my anxiousness and dilemma. Deep down I felt that nothing was clicking. Disinterested, confused and vague I played around and got more and more skilled in the craft of arranged dating. Meeting the guy, his family and next day forgetting about them became a common habit. Seeking refuge at work, parties, social gatherings and other recreational activities, I tried to balance my premarital crisis.

During this period my friends were either getting married or having kids. I even saw few marriages fizzling out and few struggling really hard to make them work. A bit paranoid; I decided that it is worth a try, so that I don’t look back and regret.

Familial support and acceptance have been very important for me to sail through life. So I saw no harm in exploring the ‘arranged marriage’ scenario. As anyways I was never confident about my own choices or inclinations.

My skill in ‘dating’ guys, gradually helped me to evolve and figure out serious no-no’s and yes- yes in my marriage material. I was able to set the priorities straight, including the need for a companion, who is compatible and can connect intellectually, emotionally and culturally with me.

I soon realized that the framework of arranged marriage could be a positive thing. Not only could I explore different guys in a supportive environment but if something does not work out, I could even blame it on my parents. Authenticity of family backgrounds was assured from the very beginning, as respective parents and family is in the loop. With marriage as the prime focus, these dates are a lot more focused. Besides saving on time, I could talk about stuff that otherwise would not be brought up on the first date. This gave me an opportunity to meet people within a short duration of time. Sometimes 2-3 meetings lined up for me within a month. Simultaneously I was keeping pace with my career and was able to enjoy my freedom.

Slowly, sorting things for myself I looked at the brighter side. Then one profile which was floating for more than a year, surfaced. His identification in the family was the “Chicago guy”. Both sides were pursing this for a while; hence a meeting was arranged as he was coming to India. Coolest was that before I met the Chicago guy, I had already met the crew i.e. the parents, the uncles, aunts, cousins and the rest. Upon meeting his father a while ago, I had stuck some chord during our conversation and we started to admire each other. This opportunity presented me with a decent idea about the family, the attitudes and the values. Getting the right vibes, I looked into other crucial aspects that helped me make up my mind.

He was making a trip to India, and we could finally meet. For his visit his parents had lined up few dates for him from the many prospective ones. There was some anticipation and curiosity about this person, who, given the opportunity to find the match of his liking, had still opted for an arranged marriage instead. Had those years alone in the US changed his ideologies for good? With an open mind and clean slate, I decided to give this one a fair chance.

We met on an inconspicuously lazy sunday afternoon. Already an expert and surrounded by the families, I was doing my ritual. Friendly but slow, we talked about some general stuff like his PhD, growing terrorism! Etc. He was even forced by my mom to see some assorted family photographs with me in diaper and in other embarrassing outfits (This was a special surprise for me too)

It was start of a slender acquaintance. He called me a few times in the following days. Keeping the marriage aside we both started on a friendly note, venting out about the marriage pressure. It takes us more time to settle for a pair of shoes, we both agreed, that it would take our parents to agree upon the alliance. The first game plan was born and we decided not to feel obligated or feel bad about saying ‘no’. I always had lot to talk and he was glad to listen.

A second meeting is usually not encouraged. However the open invitations from his family had made the decision for mine. We traveled to another city to meet at his home. While my parents planned for the trip with a map and directions, I prepared a lot of questions, thoughts and ideas. I had to know a lot more about him, I decided. His interests, his ideas, value system, opinions on various topics were unknown to me. During our discussion, we covered some ground. His genuineness and simplicity attracted me towards him and we felt a connection. Although that meeting did not satisfy all my queries, we did feel comfortable enough with each other to give it a real shot. ‘I was not sure if you were just buying some time or were really interested in me’, he confided in me much later. Game plan duo was to give each other a serious try and in order to achieve this we decided to bend the norms of a typical arranged marriage and have a say in the decision making.

Before we go ‘for’ or ‘against’ the alliance, as individuals it was extremely important for us to feel sure about things and not succumb to family pressure. So we made it very clear to our respective parents and bought some more time. Distances kept us relaxed and things never went claustrophobic. Surprisingly, distances acted as an advantage rather than a disadvantage for us. Thus availing the internet and telephone, we managed to find out more about each other. As any other individual, even we needed our sweet space and time to feel comfortable with the possibility of marriage. Thankfully, distances even made difficult for the parents to pressurize us.

In addition, we were able to by-pass various aspects and did not have to negotiate or struggle for crucial things like; Family support, acceptance, assessing similarity in cultural values, status, educational background and upbringing.

Slow and steady relationship gained its momentum.

Making serious efforts to indulge in relevant discussions through regular emails and updates, we took it easy in absence of any kind of compulsion and interference.

We managed to reach a state where we were neither strangers nor best of friends but still unsure about the ‘marriage’.

As second opinion and feedback from trusted people certainly provides a better perspective, we decided to involve friends and close ones to help us out. Meeting were coordinated; my representative was a close friend from Minneapolis went with her husband to meet him in Chicago, whereas his younger brother; an officer in the army, came especially to meet me at Jaipur. Things started falling into place making us feel more responsible and involved in the decision.

Person to person dating is just ideal but if we look at it from a different perspective then it has a potential to deviate two people from the focus. Amidst regular outings, eating out, dressing up and looking good, the important issues gradually take a back seat. Uncontrolled hormones over take various issues which are important for relationship to establish and grow. Due to proximity, attraction and infatuation sneak in easy, forcing either of them to take an impulsive decision.

Respecting each other time and involvement, creative efforts were made in order to break the monotony we kept opening up new topics for open discussions, shared photographs, experiences and viewpoints. I even remember making a long questionnaire; “questions to ask before marriage”. He took it sportingly and answered them seriously.

With enough time to let things sink in, the hazy picture got clear.

It took a while, but we were quite sure, the day we said ‘yes’ to each other. One month visit to India during our engagement have been our most treasured moments spent together. With a full proof game plan we planned each day and made most of it.

Improvisations were little too modern for our folks to handle but we were firm and convinced to introduce them. Deviating from the traditional way, we made it possible to spend time with each other’s parents, take a short trip on our own, and observe each other in various settings.

Immense support and a good level of understanding made it natural for us to fall in love, enjoy it and look forward to it.

It’s more like a huge, never ending surprise gift which I get everyday, some are big and some small, but they are surprises after all!